Are Your Problems Your Favorite Pet?
Chandra Eden, The True Me Yogi
The Sedona Method
Author: Hale Dwoskin
"'I suffer, therefore I am.' Strange as it may seem, this statement reflects the way that most of us live our lives. We identify with our problems, believing that we are the one having them. It is almost as though we feel that we justify our existence by having obstacles to overcome, problems to fix, and how much suffering we can bear. We also identify with our self-created suffering. We become so versed in being the person with a particular problem that we're often afraid we won't know who we are without it. When we take a moment to reflect on 'our' problems, we may even discover that we've grown so attached to these patterns of thought and behavior that it's hard to imagine ourselves without them. Rather than being open to the uncertainty that comes from letting go, we're clinging to the artificial sense of security that comes from knowing what to expect, even if that expectation is not beneficial.
It doesn't have to be this way. Think of a problem that you believe belongs to you, and ask yourself: 'Would I rather have the false sense of security that comes from knowing all about this problem, or would I rather be free?' If you'd rather be free, you'll spontaneously let go of your attachment to the problem, and you'll begin discovering natural solutions to it, as opposed to justifying having, or being stuck with, the problem."
Are Your Problems Your Favorite Pet?
We have a strange relationship with our problems. We complain about them, we stress over them, and we spend countless hours trying to fix them. Yet, if we’re being brutally honest, many of us secretly cherish them. It’s as if we live by the motto, "I suffer, therefore I am." We define our existence not by our joys or accomplishments, but by the weight of the burdens we carry.
This sounds absurd, but it’s a deeply ingrained human pattern. We become so identified with our issues that they become a core part of our personality. We’re not just a person dealing with anxiety; wearean anxious person. We don't just have financial difficulties; wearethe person who is bad with money. We get so used to this identity that we fear who we might be without it. The problem becomes a twisted sort of comfort blanket—a familiar, predictable source of misery.
Clinging to our suffering provides a false sense of security. It’s the devil we know. But it comes at a steep price: our freedom. The real question is, would you rather know the ins and outs of your cage, or would you rather be free? If you’re tired of feeding your pet problems, it might be time to learn how to let them go.
The Problem Identity Crisis
Why would anyone willingly cling to something that makes them miserable? It’s a matter of identity. Our brains love patterns and familiar stories. A problem, especially a long-standing one, provides a very clear and consistent narrative.
Think about the roles we play:
The Overwhelmed Parent:Your story is one of constant sacrifice, endless to-do lists, and having no time for yourself. You talk about it with other parents, you joke about it, and it defines your social interactions. If you suddenly had more free time and less stress, who would you be? What would you talk about? The identity is so strong that we sometimes subconsciously resist solutions that would take it away.
The Struggling Artist:Your narrative is one of creative torment, financial insecurity, and being misunderstood by the world. This identity is romanticized in culture. It feels important. If you suddenly became commercially successful and creatively fulfilled, would you lose your artistic "edge"? The struggle itself becomes part of the brand.
The Chronic Worrier:Your identity is built around anticipating disaster. You’re the "responsible one" who always thinks of the worst-case scenario. This role makes you feel prepared and in control. If you were to let go of worry and trust that things will be okay, you might feel naked and irresponsible.
In each case, the problem provides a role, a script, and a sense of self. We know how to perform this role. Letting it go means stepping onto an empty stage with no script. That uncertainty can feel more terrifying than the familiar pain of the problem itself.
The Payoff of Staying Stuck
We don't cling to our problems for no reason. There's always a hidden payoff, a sneaky benefit we get from staying stuck. Recognizing this payoff is the first step toward breaking free.
One of the biggest payoffs is justification. Our problems give us a reason why we haven’t achieved more or why our lives aren't what we want them to be.
"I can't start a businessbecauseI have too much family responsibility."
"I can't find a fulfilling relationshipbecauseI always attract the wrong people."
The problem becomes a shield, protecting our ego from the possibility of trying and failing. As long as we have the problem, we have a bulletproof excuse. We get to avoid the risk of true failure by clinging to the certainty of our current obstacle. It’s a clever, self-sabotaging trap. We get to maintain the belief that wecouldbe amazing, if only it weren't for this one big thing.
Another payoff is connection. Misery loves company. Bonding over shared complaints is a powerful social glue. Complaining about bosses, traffic, or the economy is easy conversation. When you're "the person with the problem," you often receive sympathy, attention, and advice. Letting go of the problem might mean letting go of a primary way you connect with others.
The Ultimate Question: Security or Freedom?
This is where you have to get radically honest with yourself. Take a moment and think of a recurring problem in your life. It could be about your health, your finances, your career, or a relationship. Got it?
Now, feel into it. Notice how familiar it is. You know its contours, its triggers, its emotional flavor. You’ve spent hours, days, or even years thinking about it. In a weird way, it’s yours. This familiarity is the "false sense of security" mentioned in the quote. It’s predictable.
Now ask yourself the game-changing question:"Would I rather have the false sense of security that comes from knowing all about this problem, or would I rather be free?"
Don't just answer it intellectually. Feel the difference between the two options. The first is a heavy, constricting feeling of being known but trapped. The second is a light, expansive, and slightly scary feeling of open possibility.
If your answer is that you’d rather be free, something remarkable happens. The quote suggests you will "spontaneously let go of your attachment." This doesn't mean the problem magically vanishes. It means yourrelationshipto the problem changes. You stop feeding it. You stop identifying with it. You stop using it as a shield.
How to Stop Being Your Problem
Once you choose freedom over the familiarity of suffering, your entire approach shifts. You move from justifying the problem to seeking solutions.
1. Re-label Yourself
Start by changing your language. You are not an "anxious person." You are "a person who is currently experiencing anxiety." You are not "broke." You are "a person who is figuring out their finances." This subtle shift separates you from the problem. It turns the problem from a permanent character trait into a temporary situation you are moving through.
2. Stop Telling "The Story"
Pay attention to how often you bring up your problem in conversation. For one week, make a conscious effort not to tell "the story." When someone asks how you are, find something else to talk about. This will feel strange at first. You'll have to find new ways to connect. This practice starves the problem of the attention it needs to thrive and breaks its hold on your social identity.
3. Get Curious About Solutions, Not the Problem
When you’re attached to a problem, you spend 90% of your mental energy analyzing the problem itself—its causes, its history, its nuances. When you detach, you can flip that ratio. Start spending 90% of your energy exploring potential solutions, even tiny ones. Instead of ruminating onwhyyou procrastinate, spend that time taking one small action on a task you’ve been avoiding. The focus shifts from analysis to action.
4. Embrace the Void
When you let go of a long-standing problem-identity, there will be a void. You might feel a little lost or unsure of who you are. This is the scary part, but it's also where the magic happens. This empty space is where a new, more empowered identity can form. Instead of filling it immediately with a new problem, allow yourself to sit in the uncertainty. Get curious about what you might enjoy or who you might become without your familiar burden.
You Are Not Your Suffering
Your problems are not a badge of honor. The amount of suffering you can endure is not a measure of your worth. You do not need to justify your existence with a list of obstacles you are heroically overcoming.
You exist, and that is enough. Your worth is inherent. The challenges you face are events, not identities. By detaching from your problems, you stop being a victim of your life story and become its author. You open yourself up to natural solutions and the effortless flow of well-being that is your birthright.
The choice is yours, every single day. Choose the familiar cage, or choose the terrifying, beautiful, and boundless freedom of not knowing who you'll be next.