Fixing Love's Plotholes: Because Cupid's Aim Isn't Always All That Great
Chandra Eden, The True Me Yogi
Soundpath
Author: Karen Olson, Ph.D.
"We learn the language of love from parents and caregivers. But, sometimes that language is missing the necessary vocabulary or hasn't been transmitted clearly enough to be understood and received. When that happens, it can leave holes in our understanding of love that must be filled in later if we're ever going to fully participate in a rich and meaningful life. These holes act like missing notes in a musical composition; they leave blank spaces that may seem undetectable at first but interrubt the flow and harmony in the life that's being created.
People often misunderstand what these hole, or missing notes mean and where they come from. We mistakently believe that there's something inherently missing from inside us, not simply a glitch in our understanding. Far too often, people try to fill the holes that they feel on the inside with external experiences, people, or things."
Fixing Love’s Plotholes: Because Cupid’s Aim Isn’t Always All That Great
Love—it’s supposed to be the great unifier, the secret sauce of life. And yet, for many of us, it feels more like a cookbook missing half the recipe. We want to whip up a Michelin-star-worthy relationship, but somewhere along the line, someone forgot to hand us the full ingredient list. The reason? We learn the language of love from parents, caregivers, and those arsonists of our emotional development—middle school classmates. And, much like a bad game of telephone, sometimes that language doesn’t come through clearly enough, leaving us with gaps in our emotional dictionary.
These gaps—holes, if you prefer a more poetic term—are like missing notes in a symphony. At first, they’re subtle, little pauses we can almost ignore. But over time, their absence interrupts the entire flow, leaving our relationships feeling more "off-key kazoo solo" than "Beethoven’s Ninth."
The Trouble with Blank Spaces
When we start noticing those missing notes, our first instinct is often to blame ourselves. “Something must be wrong with me,” or “I’m just broken,” we tell ourselves during our third round of over-analyzing a vague text. But the truth is, you’re not born with a manual of dysfunction—you inherit it, secondhand, from the people around you who meant well but might not have been fluent in their own emotional literacy.
The real kicker? Humans, being the deeply irrational creatures we are, often try to fill these internal gaps with external solutions. Feeling empty? Quick, find a person, hobby, career, or new artisanal bread-making kit to patch it up! These band-aids might provide temporary relief, sure, but the hole doesn’t magically disappear (even if the bread smells divine).
Why We Get It Wrong
Mistaking a gap in understanding for a personal deficiency is pretty much the emotional equivalent of assuming the Wi-Fi is broken when you just forgot to connect to it. When love feels incomplete or hard to grasp, the problem isn’t you—it’s the tools and instructions you were given (or weren’t). Recognizing this is the first step toward moving from “Yikes, I need fixing” to “Wait, maybe I just need a compass.”
Now that we’re on the same page about your inherent non-brokenness, how can you start filling those pesky gaps? Don’t worry, I’m not about to suggest group therapy with your inner child (though, never say never). Instead, here’s some practical advice that won’t require a lot of kumbaya but might still lead to some accidental personal growth.
Tips for Filling the Gaps
1. Find Your Missing Notes
Before you go looking for a grand solution, you have to figure out what’s… well, missing. Think of this as detective work, but with fewer trench coats. Ask yourself:
What parts of love feel confusing or thorny to me?
Are there patterns (hello, déjà vu) in the way I approach relationships?
Do I constantly look for validation from others to feel “enough”?
Recognizing these gaps can feel weirdly satisfying, like finally spotting the typo that’s been bugging you all day.
2. Fill Them at the Source
Once you know what’s missing, resist the urge to outsource the solution. Yes, the holiday season may seem like the perfect time to find someone and dump all your emotional homework into their lap, but it’s not fair—or effective. Instead:
Turn to books, podcasts, or therapy to learn the emotional skills you didn’t pick up as a kid. Think of it as night school for love.
Practice self-reflection—because, believe it or not, calling yourself out (gently) can be an act of love too.
Try NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) techniques to reframe limiting beliefs and address emotional gaps right at their mental roots.
This doesn’t mean you need to fix everything by yourself, but you do have to be in your own corner.
3. Don’t Fear the Blank Spaces
Missing notes in your love symphony might tempt you to rush into filling every silence, but not all pauses are bad. Sometimes, what feels like an absence is just space for something new—something you create with intention.
Instead of viewing the gaps as flaws, try reframing them as unfinished art. They aren’t signs you’re incapable of love—they’re invitations to love better, richer, and more authentically.
4. Ask for Harmony, Not Miracles
If you’re in a relationship (or want to be), bring your partner (current or theoretical) into the conversation. It’s not about skipping your own work, but about syncing your rhythms. Relationships are a duet, not a solo performance—and that means sharing the sheet music.
5. Stay Witty, Not Heavy
Look, this process isn’t about turning your life into one long, drawn-out soap opera. It’s about recognizing where the blanks are, smiling at them, and making a decision to write over them in your own handwriting. You’re human—make your emotional growth process messy, funny, and imperfect. (Bonus points if you can laugh about it later over dinner.)
Final Thoughts
The language of love isn’t perfect—it’s more like a lovable but slightly glitchy mix of emojis and GIFs we’ve all had to figure out along the way. But remember this: whatever’s missing can be learned, discovered, and created anew. Your symphony of love might not sound finished right now, but with a little attention and some new notes, you’re just a few measures away from something truly harmonious.
Now go grab life by the sheet music. There’s a whole melody waiting to be written—awkward kazoo solo optional.