Stop Wanting So Hard: The Paradox of Getting What You Actually Desire
Chandra Eden, The True Me Yogi
The Sedona Method
Author: Hale Dwoskin
"Wanting equates to lack. It does not equal having. Our lives are limited by our tendency to focus on the struggle that leads up to having, rather than having itself. When we let go of wanting, we therefore feel more like we can have. We also notice a corresponding increase in what we actually do have. Anyone who's ever been in sales knows that when you want to make the sale, it's often much more difficult, Conversely, when you feel like you don't need the sale, you often make it. That's because the most powerful place to create what we choose is from the position that it's "okay" whether we get it or not. This model applies to all areas of our lives.
Everyone is motivated by four basic desires that exist beneath our thoughts: emotions, beliefs, attitudes, and behavior patterns. These underlying motivators - the desire for approval, control, safety, and separation - form the core of all our limitation. When we release these wants, we can have what we desire and stay motivated. In the process, we simply let go of our sense of deprivation and lacking."
Stop Wanting So Hard: The Paradox of Getting What You Actually Desire
There’s something almost adorable about the way we chase things.
We lean forward. We squint. We tense our jaw like effort alone will magnetize the outcome. We want the relationship, the sale, the recognition, the peaceful household, the breakthrough year.
And yet, the quote lands like a gentle plot twist:
Wanting equates to lack.
That stings a little.
Because wanting feels productive. It feels ambitious. It feels like movement. But energetically, wanting whispers, “I don’t have this.” And when your internal posture is built around not having, you subtly organize your behavior around deprivation.
You start noticing what’s missing more than what’s present.
You fixate on the climb instead of the summit.
And here’s where it gets deliciously ironic.
Anyone who has ever worked in sales knows the dance. The moment you need the sale, the conversation tightens. You over-explain. You push. You hover. The air gets heavy. Prospects feel it.
But the moment you genuinely feel, “I’ll be fine either way,” something shifts. Your voice relaxes. Your shoulders drop. You become magnetic. And suddenly… the sale happens.
Why?
Because detachment isn’t indifference. It’s sufficiency.
It says, “I am already whole. I am choosing this, not grasping for it.”
And that posture is powerful.
The Four Hidden Strings Pulling the Puppet
Beneath our thoughts and behaviors sit four quiet motivators:
Approval
Control
Safety
Separation
We want approval so we don’t feel rejected.
We want control so we don’t feel uncertain.
We want safety so we don’t feel vulnerable.
We want separation so we don’t feel engulfed or powerless.
Notice the pattern?
Each “want” is an attempt to avoid feeling something uncomfortable.
So when we cling to wanting, we’re not just chasing outcomes. We’re trying to escape emotional exposure.
But the paradox is this:
The more we grip those underlying needs, the more we reinforce the belief that we are lacking.
Let’s take approval. If you desperately want to be liked, you will contort yourself. You will read rooms like a weather forecast. You will trade authenticity for applause.
But if you release the need for approval, you relax into being yourself. And ironically, people often respond more positively to that steadiness.
The same applies to control.
When you need to control outcomes, you tighten your life into a narrow corridor. When you release the obsession with control, you become flexible. Adaptive. Resilient.
Control shrinks you.
Trust expands you.
Letting Go Is Not Giving Up
This is where people get confused.
Letting go of wanting does not mean you stop desiring. It means you stop defining yourself by the absence of what you desire.
It’s the difference between:
“I need this to feel okay.”
and
“It would be wonderful to have this, and I am okay regardless.”
One is deprivation.
The other is power.
When you operate from “I am okay,” you don’t leak desperation into your conversations. You don’t radiate urgency that feels like pressure. You don’t make choices from fear.
You choose from alignment.
And here’s the subtle magic: when you feel like you already have enough, you begin noticing how much you actually do have.
Your nervous system calms.
Your perception widens.
Gratitude stops being a practice and starts being a natural side effect.
The Struggle Before the Having
Most of us are addicted to the struggle phase.
We romanticize the grind. We measure our worth by how hard we’re pushing. We focus on the obstacle course between us and the thing.
But what if you shifted your attention from “how hard this is” to “what would it feel like if this were already true?”
Not as fantasy.
As embodiment.
What would your posture look like?
How would you speak?
What decisions would you make if you believed the outcome was possible and not proof of your worth?
That shift alone changes behavior.
When you feel like you “have,” even before you physically possess, you begin acting like someone who belongs in that reality.
And people respond to that.
Motivation Without Deprivation
The quote makes one more important point: releasing wanting doesn’t make you passive.
In fact, it keeps you motivated.
Why?
Because motivation born from deprivation burns hot and fast. It’s anxious. It’s brittle.
Motivation born from sufficiency is steady. It’s creative. It’s resilient.
When you’re not scrambling for approval, control, safety, or separation, you can pursue goals cleanly. You can enjoy the process. You can adapt when things shift.
You become less attached to the timeline and more engaged with the path.
And ironically, that’s often when things begin to flow.
A Small Experiment
The next time you catch yourself thinking:
“I really want this.”
Pause.
Ask yourself, “What am I afraid of feeling if I don’t get it?”
Approval withheld?
Loss of control?
Uncertainty?
Irrelevance?
Then gently release the emotional charge behind that fear.
Remind yourself:
“I am okay either way.”
Notice what changes in your body.
Chances are your shoulders soften. Your breath deepens. Your tone shifts.
That is the most powerful place to create from.
Not from grasping.
Not from lack.
But from quiet sufficiency.
And from that place, wanting transforms into choosing.